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I thought Derrick was better than making deals with the devil…


My friend was telling me about a friend we both had back in junior high. Apparently the guy’s father died sometime recently in a homeless shelter after having his life completely fall apart with an addiction to painkillers. The man used to live in affluent suburb like Northbrook and to end up losing all his money to that addiction, losing his job, his family… it’s just so incredibly sad. One of his only belongings was a very old picture of his son’s junior high birthday party with his family, and my friend. ┬áThat picture was a reminder of his treasures as he still valued his family so much but he just couldn’t express his love anymore.

I write this because it breaks my heart. Was he to blame because he got addicted to drugs he was given for his pain? Maybe partly but I can’t say I understand. It’s things like this that remind me we need to help each other because our lives really are so fragile. We really control so little of our lives, how much more we should take any blessing we have and cherish it while we still have it. Because I understand today will be gone, as will tomorrow will be, and I will be too.


Sometimes, I get discouraged by my flaws because no matter how hard I try, they always remain. That I am such a sucker, a fool, to make the same mistake over and over again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. How bout the times it’s fool me 1000x. What then?

I was thinking during my QT on the nature of my imperfections but I guess the presence of my flaws are evidence God does exist, and that God can use a fool 1000x over. If I could just have a little more faith I think, if I could just put more trust in the hope that God will pull me through, then it’ll be OK. But I realize have I ever hit such a spiritual high state that allows me to stay at the level forever? No absolutely not and so God must be seeking me in my times of need, in my times of hate, in my times that I distrust and He must want those times as much as those times I am on some kind of spiritual pinnacle. Maybe I’m wrong and I’ll never know but one thing is for sure.

I love the lord and he loves me.

That’s all that matters right?

P.S. Although I didn’t know how to put this in my post, I found a part of Psalm very encouraging.

No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength

A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save.

But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

– Psalm 33:16-19


Grace is such an amazing thing and of course we focus so much on it. I was thinking though during my reading through Psalms what about during the hard times when we feel God is not immediately present. I think just as we are unruly children in faith, He must discipline us like a parent must with their child. If your child steals something, of course you will scold them. If they do it again, you must show them that it’s still not acceptable. If it becomes a recurrent problem, the good parent must take drastic measures to show it is wrong because it is ultimately for the good of the child. It’s love and grace alive when the parent doesn’t give up and pretend everything is okay to subject the child to punishment, fully knowing it may hurt the child for the time-being. If we succumb to constant idolizing, lust, and other sins, I love to think how God will forgive me no matter what but I don’t give a second thought to Him wanting to discipline me, Him wanting to purify me. I don’t understand it’s Him doing something incredibly amazing, tearing away my impurities deep within me so I can love Him more. Instead, I am unwilling, unmoved like a stone.

And I ask myself, why is that? Frustration at why is that?

I think it’s cause I don’t love Him enough, not grateful enough, and not trusting enough that when I immediately see hard times, I can’t see the eternal ramifications that might be present.

A state of definition. A state of being. From the birth we don’t remember and to the death we can’t predict we just shuffle onward, balancing our lives in between what we know as concrete and what we feel as possible. These are some of the things I feel the Eluvium song, The Motion Makes Me Last, is trying to channel to me. The song, in essence, is stripped down to bare essentials yet containing the concreteness of words to direct the emotions felt from within the song. My favorite line:

“What is it that has my mind so hypnotized?

Shapes are for looking at

and their colors create my mood

I’m a vessel between two places I’ve never been.”

There is no “fat” in this song, no sounds or noise that are unnecessary and detract from the overall message conveyed. And that simplicity is what makes it so beautiful. Just like the Gospel that we make so complicated, so wordy, so bloated that often times detract from the amazing love that God bleeds for us everyday of our lives.


My dad when I was growing up, smacked me around pretty hard for being the horrid son I was growing up, but never as hard as when I would lie straight to his face. He would always look me in the eye and say, “Liars are the worst people in the world because even their words aren’t true,” something I share with my dad to this day. I hate liars but I also hate empty words. If you don’t mean something, absolutely don’t say it. Empty words remind me of a wine glass, pretty on the surface but absolutely empty on the inside. Absolutely substanceless. Great during easy times but crumbles upon any pressure. Who needs words when times are good only for them to be worthless when times are hard? No one needs good words during easy times.

I’ve been rewatching Firefly again and I think the best parts are when time and time again, the captain or the crew come in through for one another. While the words between the crew sometimes might get misconstrued time to time but perceivable loyalty, strength, and love is shown unmistakably by actions or other ways, especially during the rough times. Words don’t mean anything unless solidified by not even actions but actuality.

What I mean to say is, “If you don’t really mean it, then shut the hell up.”

Better for all of us.


Tell Me Which One is Clearer…


…or 2?


I’ve been listening to Faithful by Common and honestly it’s one of my favorite songs. Of course, theologically, it’s not the best song but I think there’s some beauty in the thoughts. Whether it’s talking about if God was a woman in the first verse, or the difficult concept of being faithful in the second, I just really love the honesty of the words.

Specifically, I love the second verse. Where the guys been cheating on his wife and he comes clean, accepting the consequences of what he did. When he comes back into temptation, he goes back and tells his wife, “Baby you a blessing and my best friend.” And isn’t that what being faithful is? It’s beyond the act of cheating he did but is more consistent with where he leaves his heart. He’ll accept the consequences, turn his life away from temptation, and continue loving his lady.

Anyways, just wanted to share the song. The embeded is a live AOL version although I like the studio version better. Anyways, tell me what you guys think. Or not, that’s cool too.


So I’ve been dabbling in blogging about my life for quite a long time. However, even back in high school, I quickly realize I hated reading old entries because I thought they were so immature and so stupid, mere days later. I couldn’t believe I was struggling with something so stupid or how immaturely I used to think.

Fast forward to today, I just read one of my entries and I am literally still struggling with the same thing a year later. Is this my core self and as a result, my core sin?

Or does that mean I am finally an adult now?!

Just kidding. I hope I do change.


If someone never believes in something strongly enough to put their life on the line for it, what is that belief worth? Is it worth anything at all? How sad is it to go through life and never encountering something that you can’t help but sacrifice or put your life on the line. I’m not talking about Christianity as often my posts do but literally just any belief that exists in life.

How can you even say you lived if you never used your life. How is that satisfying? If your a teacher and don’t commit your life to your teachings, what do your teachings mean? If your a doctor but don’t commit your life to helping people, what does being a doctor truly mean?

I think that makes the difference between something that just ends up being words and something that exists, living, and breathing within yourself. Those who value themselves the most ironically I find the most valueless truthfully. Fun is so boring sometimes and doesn’t equate to a good time necessarily.

I guess I can’t expect people to believe in the ways I do. I know some people think I’m crazy for thinking the ways I do but honestly I think the same thing for them. Honestly if I am crazy, someone tell me I am!