In solitude is the only place where I can be me. I’m not talking about how no one knows me but that the true essence of myself is only revealed in my loneliness.

I realize when I hang out with friends, that I absorb attributes from those people. Back in high school, with my high school friends, I absorbed pride, self-security, and animosity towards things i considered “stupid.” When I went to college, I became self-conscience, accepting, and a fear people would reject me. I receive, unconsciously, all these attributes, both good and bad, depending on who I exist near. Therefore, the essence of me is being tainted by people. Only in my loneliness am I free of such baggage.

Do I hate people? Maybe sometimes, but does that really matter? Being by myself has reminded me of who I am and what I live for. And in this, God has made me strong. Do I still hate myself? A little bit… but less than before when I was surrounded by people. I realize I can’t go on coming to God hating myself because in the end, I don’t care what happens to me. I don’t care to keep myself holy because I don’t care about myself. Until I learn to love myself, I will be quickly wavering to sin because I don’t care to keep my body holy and a temple for God only.

I don’t want to be part of an aimless group of people where I always ask myself, “What’s the point?” Having fun was great for the first 23 years of my life but I think I need a little more substance now. There is a purpose God is definitely pushing on my heart more and more. And I need to love myself more, love people more, strengthen my resolve, and subject my body, my soul to His holiness. And most of all, I need to keep asking for His mercies daily.

And through this He can build me, one brick at a time. Starting off small, He lays brick upon brick, by His mercy, by His grace, by His love, may I be built to be a temple that glorifies and points to one thing.

Living Water, come fill me, cleanse me, and satisfy all my deepest needs and desires.